The part that lands for me is that children are always learning, but often not from the places we think the teaching is happening. I might even take it a bit farther. I am not sure we can really inculcate values in our children in any direct sense. We can name them, of course. We can talk about them. We can hope they matter. But I think what children mostly absorb is the way we live in our own bodies, our own choices, our own disappointments, our own effort, our own limits.
And that is where parenting becomes a bit counterintuitive.
Some of what can look, from the outside, like selfishness or self-centredness in a parent may actually be one of the deepest forms of teaching. A parent who trains, rests, protects their own energy, pursues something difficult, or refuses to disappear completely into service of everyone else may be showing a child something essential: that caring for yourself is not a betrayal of the people you love. It is part of how you remain whole enough to love them well.
So yes, they are watching. But maybe the real lesson is not just “be disciplined” or “keep going.” Maybe it is also: inhabit your life. Respect your body. Take your own becoming seriously. Do not abandon yourself and call it love.
That may be one of the harder lessons for parents to trust, because it can feel less obviously sacrificial. But I suspect it is one of the lessons children most need.
Mark, this made me cry. Thank you for this. My son is beginning his journey as a triathlete at age 24. Something I never thought would never happen. I didn’t push him into the sport or encourage it. I wanted it to be his choice and follow his own passion. So your missive has struck something in me that I couldn’t express. So thank you.
Mark, I think you are really onto something here.
The part that lands for me is that children are always learning, but often not from the places we think the teaching is happening. I might even take it a bit farther. I am not sure we can really inculcate values in our children in any direct sense. We can name them, of course. We can talk about them. We can hope they matter. But I think what children mostly absorb is the way we live in our own bodies, our own choices, our own disappointments, our own effort, our own limits.
And that is where parenting becomes a bit counterintuitive.
Some of what can look, from the outside, like selfishness or self-centredness in a parent may actually be one of the deepest forms of teaching. A parent who trains, rests, protects their own energy, pursues something difficult, or refuses to disappear completely into service of everyone else may be showing a child something essential: that caring for yourself is not a betrayal of the people you love. It is part of how you remain whole enough to love them well.
So yes, they are watching. But maybe the real lesson is not just “be disciplined” or “keep going.” Maybe it is also: inhabit your life. Respect your body. Take your own becoming seriously. Do not abandon yourself and call it love.
That may be one of the harder lessons for parents to trust, because it can feel less obviously sacrificial. But I suspect it is one of the lessons children most need.
Keep leading ...
You put into words what we intuitively know but cannot express. Thank you.
The organic lived source material required to write this article. THAT is legacy.
Mark, this made me cry. Thank you for this. My son is beginning his journey as a triathlete at age 24. Something I never thought would never happen. I didn’t push him into the sport or encourage it. I wanted it to be his choice and follow his own passion. So your missive has struck something in me that I couldn’t express. So thank you.
You're very welcome Aaron. Thank you.